Thursday, September 22, 2011

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad

One of the reasons I started this blog is because sex was on my mind. I felt like we were somehow missing out on something because I felt that sex should be more enjoyable than it was. And I didn't have any idea who to talk to about that. So of course, I talked to Craig.

He recommended Kama Sutra, which is the ancient Indian (from India) art of love making. So I bought a book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Kama Sutra. I sort of glanced through it, but I haven't thoroughly read it yet. Only one section of it is about sex positions, while the rest is about other aspects of love making mostly. The sex position section is illustrated with diagrams, which I think is helpful and tasteful, not pornographic. But this isn't a review of the book.

I wanted my husband to read a little of it with me every day because I have been having a hard time getting aroused lately. I'm not sure why. The problem is, he really only reads comic books and it was pretty hard to convince him that this was a comic book...since it's not. So we haven't read it. But I think the fact that I purchased it gave him an idea that I needed more effort. We tried some new things (like starting fully clothed, for example, and not in the bedroom) to start out with and it seemed to work. I was properly aroused, and we tried a different position and had the best sex we've ever had. I think it wasn't any one aspect that made it so good, but the whole shebang. He romanced me into sex, rather than going "hey, we're both naked from the shower and now we're in the bedroom, how about it?" Everything about it was non-routine and thoughtful and caring, and it was awesome. I'd like to do that again some time.

But then more recently, it was pretty lame again. I could kind of tell he wanted to have sex, and since I'm usually the one asking I had no problem saying yes, but it really just didn't feel very good. There was hardly any foreplay (or forethought) and it ended in him feeling relatively good until I started crying because I felt selfish for wishing it had been more like the previous time. Then he didn't feel so good either.

We haven't had sex since, yet. That was Monday and now it's Thursday, and for us that's actually quite a long time to go in between (we're newlyweds). I'm just confused about how to make sex good when we're both so tired all the time. Sex requires so much effort for me to really enjoy it, so it sucks if it's rather quick but it also sucks if we just stop having it because it takes too long.

I don't actually have a solution to this problem. Just a problem.

8 comments:

  1. Ultimately to have a better sexual experience you need to talk about it. Tell him what you like and what you don't like. If he knows what you like then he can particularly focus on those likes. That will cut time with a better sexual experience but in order to have great sex a little more time needs to be put in.

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  2. Don't worry about making sex good. Sex is a byproduct of the love you have for each other. Think about how to help each other when you're both tired. Can you do things for each other in the beginning of the day to help offset the fatigue at the end of the day? Just show love to each other throughout the day, and at day's end, you might look back and see you've been making love all day long. That will lead to good sex.

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    Replies
    1. Wow. That might sound good to a guy, but that just won't cut the mustard for me at all. If I want to have an orgasm, it takes a lot more than a few hugs and winks during the day. Good sex is very important, and if a man can't make his wife have an orgasm, it is not good sex. He needs to stop having his own orgasms until he can give them to his wife.

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  3. In my work as a psychologist dealing primarily with sexual issues, it's not uncommon to hear from couples that sex is less enjoyable than usual and at times doesn't feel worth the effort. I've found a particular approach that has been helpful for many such couples. If you try it out, remember that sexual desire and enjoyment require a delicate balance of many complicated factors, particularly for women, so don't get too discouraged or critical of yourself if this technique doesn't "work" for you.

    When a couple works patiently together to assure the woman climaxes, it can make for a very fulfilling lovemaking experience. Sometimes, however, they don't have the energy to go through this process in the usual way. Sometimes, even when they do persist, she doesn't find it as stimulating as usual and they tire of the process.

    I recommend couples in this situation try a technique adapted from Claire Hutchins' book, Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love. The woman is on top, in the straddle position. Close your eyes and turn your attention to your own pleasure. (Don't worry that you're depriving him--most men are plenty turned on by this process.) Use your index or middle finger to rub your own clitoris. Use KY Jelly or another lubricant if needed. Experiment and vary the rate of movement and intensity of pressure. Some women find it stimulating to imagine various scenarios of lovemaking or to talk about things that turn them on. However, if it works better for you, don't hesitate to keep your focus inward, on your own pleasure, particularly when you are first experimenting with this process. Over time as you reach orgasm more readily, you'll be able to open your eyes more often during the process and communicate more freely. In general the process will become more interactive.

    Some of my LDS clients are hesitant at first to try out this technique because they equate it with masturbation. I encourage them to consider whether self-stimulation during intercourse with their husband might be different from the masturbation that is discouraged by the Church. (I think masturbation is detrimental when individuals are off on their own pleasuring themselves--having a solo experience--rather than channeling that sexual energy into the relationship.)

    I also ask, "How successful would your husband be at achieving orgasm if he did not stimulate himself during sex? He thrusts because it stimulates him. We don't view that as him using your vagina to masturbate himself. You don't ask him to abstain from thrusting and only let you stimulate him. If you decide to experiment with this technique, as you do consider whether rubbing your own clitoris during sex may be comparable to him engaging in the thrusting motion."

    I don't want to talk a couple into doing anything they're genuinely uncomfortable with. Most of them have simply never considered this kind of technique as an option. I want to give them permission to explore and discover for themselves and then follow their own conscience in the matter.

    The majority of my LDS clients who have experimented with this process report that they're comfortable with it and it becomes a part of their lovemaking repertoire. It is a nice way for her to readily reach orgasm even when she's tired, not as easily aroused as usual, or they don't have a lot of time or energy.

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    1. I am going to try this. However, in the past, I have found that sitting on top is very painful if my husband is fully erect. I was married previously, and my first husband was not very well endowed, which made the "sit on top" position very pleasurable, and very comfortable. I only mention this for those women like myself who avoid this position because it tends to be so painful. I would not have understood why anyone could do this if I had not been married previously.

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  4. I realize I'm entering this conversation a bit late, but hopefully my input will be able to help young LDS couples who are confused and could use the type of advice an older sibling might give.

    First, I'm not a licensed therapist or any kind of authority on the subject, but as someone who converted later in life, I bring quite a bit of real world experience that might help dispell some of the confusion.

    The first thing I feel I need to share is that no matter how much we love our spouse, the world outside affects how we relate in the bedroom, often to the frustration of one or both partners. I'm sure that those who have experienced this frustration have been able to add that up already, but what's important to remember is not to blame ourselves or each other if we can't meet certain expectations some of the time. This is when open, honest communication can save the day. I've had several evenings with my ex-wife or other past lovers where the intent was physical intimacy but we ended up just holding one another and talking through whatever outside stresses were derailing our plans. Often we wouldn't even realize something was wrong until our bodies didn't respond like we thought they should. When our bodies don't respond to stimulation we usually enjoy, it usually means there's a mental block of some kind (often in the subconscious). Which brings me to my second observation...

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  5. Great sex (at least in my experience) is always less about what you do and more about what you think/feel (emotionally). Now, as a man I have to give the qualifier that unless something is seriously bothering us, enough physical stimulation will distract men from whatever is wrong and we will be able to stay in the moment. However, even that is not guaranteed.

    Again, communication is important. Let me give an example: There was a time that I was out of work and this caused no end of stress in the home. I was not a member of the church yet, so I didn't have the many resouces of the church to fall back on and this caused even more stress in all facets of my life. Any time my girlfriend wanted to be intimate, I couldn't tear my mind away from my perceived professional failures and I was unable to focus on "us" in the bedroom. By then we were pretty comfortable communicating and she told me that when I was unable to maintain an erection that night, she thought it was because she was doing something wrong. I was able to talk frankly about my fears and anxiety and she soon realized the problem wasn't between the sheets, it was between my ears. I'm sure that if we weren't able to communicate our self doubt and fear, we would have both blamed ourselves for the disconnect and started to drift apart. (We did eventually break up but for differing views on family and parenthood, not communication issues.)

    My main point here is that both men and women need a certain level of peace and serenity in the mind before great sex is even a possibility. This is even more true for women than for men. I suspect that this is where prayer can be helpful. If you are comfortable enough with the Spirit to hand over all your troubles and worries (at least for a time), then it frees your mind and heart to be there in the moment so that you and your spouse can enjoy each other.

    But what about those of us who aren't that close to the Spirit? Or what about non-LDS couples who might have stumbled onto this blog in search of answers?

    Not all hope is lost! You can still help each other to find your way into that moment of intimacy, but it takes a lot of work and also trust. First, you need to know each other well enough to know the other's likes and dislikes. If you have a normal routine, that's a great place to start because it establishes comfort. Listen to each other's breathing and body language and when your partner feels that comfort (but before they start getting frustrated), change something minor about the interaction. Slight adjustments to position, pace, rhythm, etc. can derail the background voice in your (or their) head that might be repeating harmful or self-depricating messages. WARNING: This where it's really important to know each other's dislikes! If your slight changes to the regular activities make your spouse uncomfortable, it will derail more than just harmful thought patterns and you'll likely have to start all over.

    Well, I've probably rambled on enough now and if you've read this far, I hope that my advice and experience has been of some use to you.

    God Bless.

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  6. Great sex (at least in my experience) is always less about what you do and more about what you think/feel (emotionally). Now, as a man I have to give the qualifier that unless something is seriously bothering us, enough physical stimulation will distract men from whatever is wrong and we will be able to stay in the moment. However, even that is not guaranteed.

    Again, communication is important. Let me give an example: There was a time that I was out of work and this caused no end of stress in the home. I was not a member of the church yet, so I didn't have the many resouces of the church to fall back on and this caused even more stress in all facets of my life. Any time my girlfriend wanted to be intimate, I couldn't tear my mind away from my perceived professional failures and I was unable to focus on "us" in the bedroom. By then we were pretty comfortable communicating and she told me that when I was unable to maintain an erection that night, she thought it was because she was doing something wrong. I was able to talk frankly about my fears and anxiety and she soon realized the problem wasn't between the sheets, it was between my ears. I'm sure that if we weren't able to communicate our self doubt and fear, we would have both blamed ourselves for the disconnect and started to drift apart. (We did eventually break up but for differing views on family and parenthood, not communication issues.)

    My main point here is that both men and women need a certain level of peace and serenity in the mind before great sex is even a possibility. This is even more true for women than for men. I suspect that this is where prayer can be helpful. If you are comfortable enough with the Spirit to hand over all your troubles and worries (at least for a time), then it frees your mind and heart to be there in the moment so that you and your spouse can enjoy each other.

    But what about those of us who aren't that close to the Spirit? Or what about non-LDS couples who might have stumbled onto this blog in search of answers?

    Not all hope is lost! You can still help each other to find your way into that moment of intimacy, but it takes a lot of work and also trust. First, you need to know each other well enough to know the other's likes and dislikes. If you have a normal routine, that's a great place to start because it establishes comfort. Listen to each other's breathing and body language and when your partner feels that comfort (but before they start getting frustrated), change something minor about the interaction. Slight adjustments to position, pace, rhythm, etc. can derail the background voice in your (or their) head that might be repeating harmful or self-depricating messages. WARNING: This where it's really important to know each other's dislikes! If your slight changes to the regular activities make your spouse uncomfortable, it will derail more than just harmful thought patterns and you'll likely have to start all over.

    Well, I've probably rambled on enough now and if you've read this far, I hope that my advice and experience has been of some use to you.

    God Bless.

    ReplyDelete