Thursday, October 13, 2011

My general rule for what's okay/what's not

In our church, we become pretty familiar with the word stewardship. It means you have a right to receive revelation for whatever it is you have stewardship over. In my opinion, which is based off of what I have read from conference talks, church publications, etc. is that husband and wife, together, have stewardship over their sex life - and no one else, really. Others can give advice, but God gives revelation, where needed and asked for, to the husband and the wife - not to others.

In thinking about what's okay and what's not for married sex, my rule of thumb is: revelation. There's a quote that floats around almost as much as the 25-year-old menace to society, that is, "if a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." I don't think that's a great thing to live by for a lot of people. Personally, I ask a lot of questions and do a lot of research because it is in my nature to want to know things. Consider this: someone of another faith is thinking about joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They act on this line of though by attending the church and taking the missionary discussions. They decide to ask about whether or not this is the right thing to do. They ask Heavenly Father. Does the fact that they want to ask mean they should discontinue those things? NO! Clearly, this is not a universal truth, and I think a better way to say it might be something along the lines of, "if it makes you feel guilty and want to repent, you should probably not do it." Because that's probably revelation (unless you have a personality that feels guilt for no reason, which can sometimes be the case).

So, for example, when my husband and I were engaged, the topic of oral sex came up. I had wondered about whether it was okay, and the quotation I showed above struck me hard as "maybe that means I shouldn't even think about this." Because I was curious and wanted to know more about it and what other LDS people though - okay or not? I did like the idea of it and wanted to try it. I didn't feel particularly bad about it, only worried that that quotation would condemn me. In the end, we decided that since we both felt comfortable with the idea, we should pray about it, and see what Heavenly Father thought. After praying, I felt a lot better, and the idea came to me that we could try it once, and if either of us felt guilty or dirty afterwards, we should not do it again. But if we both felt good and loved and happy, it would be fine. Guess what? It was the second thing in our case.

On the other hand, we will probably never try anal sex, because I am uncomfortable with the idea. I don't need to pray about it, I know I don't want to do it. And if either husband or wife feels uncomfortable with a certain practice, it might be best to not do it. This is, of course, not a universal truth either - but I believe it applies in many circumstances regarding sex. As long as it isn't taken to the extreme, like "sex makes me uncomfortable, so let's never have it." That probably means you need therapy.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Oral sex/stimulation

Something that I've wanted to share since I started this blog is my view on oral stimulation or oral sex.

Perhaps some of you have seen or heard about the letter from the First Presidency stating that they (the First Presidency) interpreted oral sex as "an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice." That letter was written in January of 1982. My understanding (insofar as I have read) is that in response to this letter, many bishops began asking married members if they engaged in oral sex and told them not to. Probably in response to members letters, the First Presidency then issued another letter to bishops, essentially telling them not to inquire about the private matters of the bedroom. I have found a copy of the first letter and have even had a bishop show it to me almost 30 years after it was sent out. That bishop had been a bishop at the time that letter was written, but was released before the second letter came out in October of the same year, so he didn't know that the next letter basically said "don't inquire into married members bedrooms!" Granted, we were not quite yet married at the time, but he was referring to the time (a month later) when we would be married.

So here's what I think:

If a man demands that his wife give him oral sex, and she does not feel good about it, it's definitely wrong. Same this vice versa, if the wife demands it and the husband is uncomfortable with it. However, in general, I read that a spiritually in-tune couple can pray about their sex life and find out for themselves what is okay and what's not. Having prayed about it with my husband, I feel it's okay for us to do. That being said, I don't think it should take the place of regular sex, at least not often. I also think it's something that should be given, not taken. My husband doesn't request it, but I occasionally orally stimulate him, when I'm feeling like it. The reverse is also true. When he wants to turn me on, really turn me on, and if I have recently washed that area (like right after a shower), he sometimes will orally stimulate me and then we have sex afterwards. I can't tell you how much it makes me know he loves me. It's about love for us, not lust. It's about making the person we love the very most feel so incredibly amazing. I will say though that I generally will not orally stimulate him to orgasm because I prefer to have sex afterwards, and it doesn't work so well if he's already climaxed. On the other hand, he will frequently orally stimulate me to orgasm, because that really doesn't get in the way of us having sex. It usually just makes me want it more.

So, in summary, I think oral sex only makes sense if both husband and wife are comfortable with it, and if it's given as a gift to say I love you, and doesn't completely replace intercourse. Along with being commanded to be one flesh and cleave unto each other (which I think oral sex can help accomplish), we were also commanded to multiply and replenish the earth (which it certainly can't) - but also, it's just super nice to end up with our bodies entwined and enjoying, together, the experience of afterglow.

My not-so-sister site

I was having a discussion with my husband the other day and he had been talking with one of his friends about this blog and my purpose in creating it. His friend shared another blog with him which he then shared with me - I was pretty excited at first because it was another Mormon sex blog, the very thing I had been lamenting for its nonexistence. However, when I read it, I realized it was not really what I was looking for. The kindest way I could put it is that it was a lot more liberal than my blog.

Because of this blog run-in, which was almost similar to mine but really not, it got me thinking about how potentially narrow my audience is, not least because I have no idea how to advertise an anonymous blog. But if a blog like that is attracting visitors, it reminded me that I am possibly on the more conservative side of the LDS religion. Here are some reasons:

-The other blog promoted masturbation as a healthy and good thing - even for singles/teens. I disagree with this stance. I intend to write a whole post on it in the future, but for now I will say that my husband and I don't do it, and I can see it possibly being okay in some marital relationships as part of foreplay, but I don't view it as okay as a solo endeavor.

Okay, so most of the rest of it was littler than that. Like, the bloggers (there are several) chose as pennames, names of Joseph Smith's wives. Seemed kind of like a little satirical nod to polygamy, which I don't think of as very funny. It's a pretty serious thing and I don't really understand it, so I don't laugh at it. Also, they had linked to a satirical blog from the point of view of an unrealistically strict stake president, which bordered on anti-Mormon. At first I found it slightly funny until I realized that it was making fun of some things I really believe are God's laws. Like don't watch pornography. The more I read from the blog, the more negative my attitude became and I finally collapsed into bed with overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, confusion, etc. I told my husband I would not be reading that blog again, and he held me and agreed that that would be a good idea.

So while at first it seemed like "oh! I don't have to write this blog, it's been written already!" I realized that narrow as my audience may be, this is still an important project. And that I'd like to keep it respectful and doctrine-based, not worldly-view based. Of course everything will be based on my interpretations, but I won't make fun of you for your views even if they don't match up with mine. I might try to back mine up with scriptures and/or conference talks, though, because I have a thing about being right when I think I'm right...