Saturday, October 8, 2011

Oral sex/stimulation

Something that I've wanted to share since I started this blog is my view on oral stimulation or oral sex.

Perhaps some of you have seen or heard about the letter from the First Presidency stating that they (the First Presidency) interpreted oral sex as "an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice." That letter was written in January of 1982. My understanding (insofar as I have read) is that in response to this letter, many bishops began asking married members if they engaged in oral sex and told them not to. Probably in response to members letters, the First Presidency then issued another letter to bishops, essentially telling them not to inquire about the private matters of the bedroom. I have found a copy of the first letter and have even had a bishop show it to me almost 30 years after it was sent out. That bishop had been a bishop at the time that letter was written, but was released before the second letter came out in October of the same year, so he didn't know that the next letter basically said "don't inquire into married members bedrooms!" Granted, we were not quite yet married at the time, but he was referring to the time (a month later) when we would be married.

So here's what I think:

If a man demands that his wife give him oral sex, and she does not feel good about it, it's definitely wrong. Same this vice versa, if the wife demands it and the husband is uncomfortable with it. However, in general, I read that a spiritually in-tune couple can pray about their sex life and find out for themselves what is okay and what's not. Having prayed about it with my husband, I feel it's okay for us to do. That being said, I don't think it should take the place of regular sex, at least not often. I also think it's something that should be given, not taken. My husband doesn't request it, but I occasionally orally stimulate him, when I'm feeling like it. The reverse is also true. When he wants to turn me on, really turn me on, and if I have recently washed that area (like right after a shower), he sometimes will orally stimulate me and then we have sex afterwards. I can't tell you how much it makes me know he loves me. It's about love for us, not lust. It's about making the person we love the very most feel so incredibly amazing. I will say though that I generally will not orally stimulate him to orgasm because I prefer to have sex afterwards, and it doesn't work so well if he's already climaxed. On the other hand, he will frequently orally stimulate me to orgasm, because that really doesn't get in the way of us having sex. It usually just makes me want it more.

So, in summary, I think oral sex only makes sense if both husband and wife are comfortable with it, and if it's given as a gift to say I love you, and doesn't completely replace intercourse. Along with being commanded to be one flesh and cleave unto each other (which I think oral sex can help accomplish), we were also commanded to multiply and replenish the earth (which it certainly can't) - but also, it's just super nice to end up with our bodies entwined and enjoying, together, the experience of afterglow.


  1. "Interpreted" is a very important word choice in that letter. They said it was their interpretation, not a command, not a revelation, not the word of the Lord on the matter, just the interpretation of those three men, their own opinion given for Stake Presidents, Bishops and Branch Presidents to take into consideration. As such members are not obligated to agree and conform to it.

  2. I have had a bishop tell me that it was not okay to have sex on Fast sunday, and another tell me oral sex was not okay. I disagreed with both of them, and they ultimately both decided that as long as my husband and I were okay with it, it was really not their business. Being assertive about sex is difficult when you are feeling judged.

  3. Checking your comments often for problematic comments is a good thing! Someone has been posting terrible stuff here.

  4. I am very interested in what you have to say because I work with therapists and sex addicts. It is really great to see discussion among Christians and LDS people about married sex and intimacy. I just notice, from having read several other Christian blogs, you write about sex, marriage, love, and religion almost as if they are 4 separate topics. They shouldn't be. I appreciate your comments as a woman of faith but saying you pray and decide to occasionally participate in various sex acts with your husband makes it sound pretty dettached and cerebral. Sex should be fun and exciting, not a matter of intense soul searching and reasoning. You lose the joy if you are always analyzing it!