Thursday, October 13, 2011

My general rule for what's okay/what's not

In our church, we become pretty familiar with the word stewardship. It means you have a right to receive revelation for whatever it is you have stewardship over. In my opinion, which is based off of what I have read from conference talks, church publications, etc. is that husband and wife, together, have stewardship over their sex life - and no one else, really. Others can give advice, but God gives revelation, where needed and asked for, to the husband and the wife - not to others.

In thinking about what's okay and what's not for married sex, my rule of thumb is: revelation. There's a quote that floats around almost as much as the 25-year-old menace to society, that is, "if a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." I don't think that's a great thing to live by for a lot of people. Personally, I ask a lot of questions and do a lot of research because it is in my nature to want to know things. Consider this: someone of another faith is thinking about joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They act on this line of though by attending the church and taking the missionary discussions. They decide to ask about whether or not this is the right thing to do. They ask Heavenly Father. Does the fact that they want to ask mean they should discontinue those things? NO! Clearly, this is not a universal truth, and I think a better way to say it might be something along the lines of, "if it makes you feel guilty and want to repent, you should probably not do it." Because that's probably revelation (unless you have a personality that feels guilt for no reason, which can sometimes be the case).

So, for example, when my husband and I were engaged, the topic of oral sex came up. I had wondered about whether it was okay, and the quotation I showed above struck me hard as "maybe that means I shouldn't even think about this." Because I was curious and wanted to know more about it and what other LDS people though - okay or not? I did like the idea of it and wanted to try it. I didn't feel particularly bad about it, only worried that that quotation would condemn me. In the end, we decided that since we both felt comfortable with the idea, we should pray about it, and see what Heavenly Father thought. After praying, I felt a lot better, and the idea came to me that we could try it once, and if either of us felt guilty or dirty afterwards, we should not do it again. But if we both felt good and loved and happy, it would be fine. Guess what? It was the second thing in our case.

On the other hand, we will probably never try anal sex, because I am uncomfortable with the idea. I don't need to pray about it, I know I don't want to do it. And if either husband or wife feels uncomfortable with a certain practice, it might be best to not do it. This is, of course, not a universal truth either - but I believe it applies in many circumstances regarding sex. As long as it isn't taken to the extreme, like "sex makes me uncomfortable, so let's never have it." That probably means you need therapy.


  1. "if a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."

    Well, my wife had such guilt about "normal" sex, that she could use that to conclude NEVER to have sex, at all. She cited her parents never talked about, and YW classes that "overkilled" chastity.

    On a different thought, what about foreplay? Is that "unnatural"? Can that be considered lusting?

  2. Really if any partner has questions about something they should feel comfortable with their spouse to bring up the subject. I've done that with my wife and it has lead to some interesting direction in the bedroom.
    As for foreplay as Erstwild ask... Women need it most time. Jumping to the thick of it can be uncomfortable, painful or possibly even damaging. They just are not built like men. Besides foreplay shows restraint on the side of the man and can help build.emotional bonds better then the act of sex can alone.

    Just my 2 cents.

  3. everything i have to rewrite? ah. what has sex to do with marriage thats marriage. That has nothing to do with your kids, or ppl using others for that. And ppl actions based on a religion is ironic and not really needed. I mean should i go up to some one and say im a christain than have sex and its ok cuz we are christains? ppl do everything to break a person. I mean its happening with young youth today. even when i was in middle school granted im only in late 20s. religion has nothing to do with guys or girls using you either way.

    1. I could not disagree more. If you are a practicing mormon, you have very specific problems in this regard, which is why you most likely do not see how it matters...because you obviously are not a practicing mormon or you would understand this. THANK YOU so much for writing this blog!!!

  4. No sex before marriage. No intimacy. No masturbation. No impure thoughts. No pornography. No viewing sexual content.

  5. You did this the right way. The church is not there to define what sex acts are OK or not for a married couple other than those already revealed as sinful for everybody. Outside of that couples need to work it out between themselves and God.

  6. My husband and I got married about a month ago and had been thinking about the things you have addressed on your blog. Thank you so much for doing this!!