How do I try something new?

It's possible that you have had sex the same way the whole time you've been married and that you're perfectly happy to continue that and so is your partner. If that's the case, maybe you don't need this post at all. But what if it's not?

When I was new to sex, I had read 2 1/2 books about sex: The Act of Marriage, Between Husband and Wife, and And They Were Not Ashamed. The first one was probably the best, the second one was okay, and the last one didn't seem to apply to me since I didn't have "good girl syndrome" as the book called it, because I actually wanted to have sex and wasn't afraid it would make me a sinner to have sex with my husband. I never finished that last book.

From the books, I learned a few things. Here's a pretty good summary of what I knew when I got married and had sex for the first time:

• Losing my virginity was probably going to include blood and pain
• Lay down towels on the bed to catch any mess
• There's something called foreplay which is when you kiss and touch each other in sexually exciting ways until you're both aroused
• Arousal for a man is an erection, which is a hard penis filled with blood
• Arousal for a woman is lubrication and some swelling in the genitals also because of blood
• The clitoris is a little bump at the top of my labia majora
• Stimulating the clitoris is important for female pleasure and orgasm
• Penis-in-the-vagina sex without clitoral stimulation may not lead to female orgasm although it will probably lead to male orgasm
• Men ejaculate semen when they orgasm, women typically don't ejaculate when they orgasm but feel pleasure intense enough that it reaches a climax and then calms down
• After climax, there's something called afterglow where you want to cuddle naked and love each other a lot

I had heard about something called sex positions, but I was afraid to google it in case I ended up looking at porn by accident. At this point I am pretty brave about googling things, so I just googled sex positions and found a reasonably good article immediately - the diagrams are simple silhouettes but do show what you're supposed to do. (If you want to see what I read, here it is: https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/10-sex-positions-that-will-get-her-off-every-time-20150813/ ) In my fear, I decided to purchase a book - The Idiot's Guide to the Kama Sutra. I did like the book, though I didn't read it all the way through. It helped me find a sex position that felt better to me than what I'd tried, and helped me understand foreplay a bit better. I also was relieved that the illustrations weren't so graphic they felt like pornography. I have since learned that this diagram method is actually the norm for sex position instruction, so if you want to Google them, do so fearlessly! I just tried Google image search for sex positions and there was nothing pornographic at all.

However, sex positions aren't the only way to try new things. Here's a short list of a few things you can try:

• Oral sex - on him or on her, if you haven't yet
• Anal play, with fingers
• Anal sex, if anal play is enjoyable
• Sex toys - maybe start with a vibrator, but there's a lot out there
• Different lubricants - not all are equal. Astroglide is my best friend. *Use silicone for anal play but water based for toys and condoms
• Different foreplay, longer foreplay
• Taking naked selfies, then deleting them or sending them only to each other and then deleting them
• Having sex in a different place - the living room, the car, etc.
• Switching up who's in charge of clitoral stimulation
• New lingerie/underwear

I'm sure there's plenty of other ideas, but I just wanted to say it's great to try new things! It's the only way to find what you like the most. Good luck!

Communication and sex

Consider that there are two main branches of communication surrounding sex: initiation communication and feedback communication. Both types of communication are essential for true intimacy, where you're having sex in a way that brings you closer together. Each partner needs to learn to use both types of communication to help the sexual experience be as fulfilling as possible. I'm not a sex therapist or anything, so this is all sex communication according to NiceMormonWife, but maybe it'll help someone.

Initiation communication

Initiation communication is the type of communication used to initiate something sexual. This is the first part of consent. Everything in sex should be done with consent from both partners. Here are the four main categories I consider to make up initiation communication.

1. Trying

You communicate a desire to try something when you want to do something new for the first time. This may be asking to hold hands for the first time, asking to kiss for the first time, or trying something sexual for the first time. Even after you've had sex a lot of times, this can still happen. For example, a partner might say "I would like to try a different position this time. Are you open to that?" I believe trying should always be communicated verbally. Some people think talking about it could ruin the moment, but I find that if you ask with words, you are more likely to get very clear feedback. If the feedback is "no," you absolutely should be glad you asked, because it's terrible to try things that one partner doesn't want to try.

2. Testing

You communicate a desire to test something when you try more than one variation of something and seek feedback. For example, a woman could test various strokes on the male penis and ask for feedback about what feels best. She could ask "which spot should I try to focus on?" or "Does it feel better when my hand is this way or this way?" or "Do you like it when I use my fingers or my thumb?" It is also great to ask to be shown how, or for a description of what feels good, and then try to do it and ask if you're getting it right. Besides sexual techniques, it's great to test out "turn ons." You should know what turns each other on, and trying different things and seeking feedback is really enjoyable. Start by asking what your partner has noticed feels great and turns them on, and test things out. Maybe it's touching their lower back or grabbing their butt, maybe kissing their ear or neck, moving your hand slowly up their thigh, or any combination of things. There may even be a preferred order to the turn ons. Find out!

3. Offering

You communicate a desire to offer something when you either ask if your partner would like something done or start doing it and watch for feedback. Maybe you know your partner likes receiving oral but sometimes isn't in the mood for it. You can offer by asking "would you like oral today?" or you can kiss closer and closer to their genitals and either ask if they'd like you to keep going or check their facial expression or listen for sounds of encouragement. Remember that every time you offer something, it is an offer, and it can be refused. Every time you say "want to have sex tonight?" or any variation on that question, your partner is allowed to say no, and if they do, you need to respect that. You can also offer things like "would you like to kiss and see where it leads?" or "would you like to just cuddle?" And you can do a very open-ended offer, like "what find of physical contact, if any, would you like from me right now?" 

4. Requesting

You communicate a request when you either verbally ask for something to be done to you, or when you guide your partner's body in such a way that it makes it clear what you would like done. For example, you might ask your partner to stimulate your clitoris with a circular motion, or ask for oral, or ask for a specific type of anal play, or even request a break from sex. Remember, of course, if you request something sexual and your partner isn't okay with it or just doesn't want to right now, to be understanding and not forceful. Sometimes it can be hard to make requests. Maybe you feel selfish asking for your partner to pleasure you, or maybe you think it's not "natural" to ask. However, I find that I like requests (when I am happy with my partner), because I want to please him and want to make him feel great. He also likes requests because he wants to make me feel great. Allow your partner that opportunity!

Feedback communication

Feedback communication  is the type of communication used to respond to something sexual. This is the second part of consent. Everything in sex should be done with consent from both partners. Here are the four main categories I consider to make up feedback communication.

1. Facial expression

You can give or receive feedback using facial expressions to communicate about current sexual experiences. If you like something, allow it to show on your face through whatever comes naturally - smiling, licking your lips, closing your eyes, or whatever. Reading facial expressions can be tricky, especially at first. Sometimes facial expressions for intense sexual pleasure and for pain look very similar. You may not know at first what a facial expression means just by looking. If you are ever wondering if your partner is pain, ask immediately. They may be afraid to tell you or in too much pain to remember to tell you, but you need to know because you need to be able to stop if there is pain. It is also possibly to feel pleasure and pain at the same time. In that case, the person experiencing the pain needs to decide if they would like to stop or keep going (and the other partner needs to feel comfortable with that decision). 

2. Sounds

You can give or receive feedback using sounds to communicate sexually. Some people are naturally louder than others during sex. Do not be ashamed if you end up making loud sounds during sex; there is nothing wrong with being vocal. Do not shame your partner for being loud. Similarly, it is okay if you or your partner are more quiet during sex. Being quiet doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. Personally, I am usually pretty quiet during sex, although I sometimes try to consciously use sound to encourage my partner when he's doing something I am enjoying - maybe I'll say "mmmm..." or "Oh! Oh!" but once in a while, I get a little bit loud, and he's always very happy when that happens. It signals to him that I'm feeling awesome, which he likes to hear. If your partner is quiet, let them know that it's okay to be quiet during sex but you do love it when you hear sounds from them letting you know if you're doing something right. It is good to ask what a certain sound means if you are not sure, especially if you suspect it might indicate pain. It is also not a bad idea to discuss the sounds you make immediately after sex. It can feel very weird to talk about sounds, but this is the person you are most intimate with - you should be able to say anything.

3. Words

Words play one of the most important roles in giving and receiving feedback during sex because you can be so clear with words. It is important to be able to say to your partner "that hurts," "I like that," "I need a little break," or anything else you want them to know. You shouldn't be shy to say "I'm ready to go faster when you are" or "please slow down for a minute" or "more lubricant please," or "can we try a different position? This is uncomfortable for me." It is equally important to hear what your partner is saying during sex and show them you value what they say. The idea that people shouldn't talk during sex is false and harmful. People should feel at ease to talk during sex about what is happening to either partner. If you feel nervous to talk during sex, try telling your partner you are nervous to give verbal feedback during sex but you would like to try, and hopefully they will be supportive and encouraging. Personally, I don't think talking during sex is optional. I think you have to be able to do it. Not that you have to talk the whole time, or even talk every time, but you have to be able to speak up about your experience while it's happening. 

4. Body movements/actions

Involuntary or intentional body movements/actions also play an important role in communicating feedback during sex. Some of these body movements are involuntary. For example, some spasming during orgasm is normal and helps the other person to know that climax was just achieved - which also means that partner is about to get very sensitive to the touch. Sometimes movements are somewhere between involuntary and intentional - you may start thrusting your hips without realizing you are doing it, and then it feels good and you continue. But it is also important to use intentional actions to communicate during sex. Maybe your partner's finger isn't in exactly the right spot - you can guide it to the right place. Maybe the woman is ready for deeper penetration, she can wrap her legs around and pull him in, or thrust her hips at him. Maybe you would like a turn on top - try physically signaling to trade places. Maybe you would like a turn underneath - same idea. Sometimes you can physically signal something you want by doing the equivalent to your partner, like if you want your nipples played with, you can play with your partner's nipples. Obviously, you need to pay attention while you do this to make sure everything is okay with your partner. 

I hope all of this gives you some idea of the methods and importance of communication before, after, and especially during sex. There's no mind reading in sex or at any other time. Nonverbal communication is essential, but it is not a substitute for verbal communication, which is even more essential. Communicate about your sexual communication, and communicate before, during, and after sex, about sex, and about how each of you feels. This is probably the best way to learn how to have a fulfilling sex life.