Wednesday, September 14, 2011

About Craig (my not-so-secret sex informant)

Craig is not Mormon. He's had a lot more experience with sex than I have. Also, his name is not really Craig.

I thought I'd write a post about Craig just so you kind of understand about one of my sources of information on sex. Besides my husband, he is really the only person I talk to about sexual matters. I have had a few frantic crying sessions with Mormon girlfriends just before marriage, but other than that, mostly I don't really talk about sex to people in real life. It's just basically taboo for Mormons, which is why I made this blog.

As a side note, my other sources of information are books, the internet, and personal experience. Back to Craig, though.

Craig's first experience with sex was not very positive. He was raped by his girlfriend. Of course, he didn't know that's what it was, but it was rape. He wasn't a willing participant and felt pretty uneasy with having sex, but since she pushed it on him, and he was a guy, he didn't physically force her to stop. And he learned to enjoy it, over the next two years of their relationship.

Then, after that relationship was over, he started dating one of my best friends. We'll call her Meg (that's not her name). That's when I became friends with him, because she was completely in love with him and so it only made sense that I would be friends with him too. However...uneducated as he was about proper introductions, some time into their relationship, he raped her. When she told me about her experience (which she didn't call rape), I told her that it was rape. To everyone out there: when the sex is non-consensual, it is rape! If your partner says no, and doesn't feel ready to have sex, and you still start things up, it's rape! Even if the other person sort of enjoys it, because physically, that usually happens. We're built that way. But emotionally, it's incredibly destructive. I really, really hated Craig for about two years after that and wouldn't speak to him, except when I told him I hated his guts and he should die in a hole thinking about what he did to Meg. Meg eventually realized that what he did was wrong, completely wrong, and although she also eventually succumbed to being comfortable having sex with him, she eventually admitted it was rape. Now she's a really happy, well-adjusted person, who refuses to have any contact with Craig.

On the other hand, after a while, I don't remember how, I began talking with Craig again. I discovered he'd changed for the better. He felt really sorry for what he'd done, and hadn't known it was wrong at the time. That doesn't make what he did okay, but it made me stop hating him. Several years later, he is also quite well-adjusted, and is a licensed therapist. Pretty ironic, but he actually really, really cares about people now, and wants to help them.

He had various sexual experiences between Meg and now, and has been abstinent for a while, even when he is dating someone. It's not really a moral thing for him, he's just decided to eliminate sex for a while. Maybe for a long while. Still, he's had sex with several girls and learned what they liked and didn't like, and what he liked and didn't like, besides what he learned in college about sex (which I'm sure was fairly significant given that he's a therapist) and what he's learned from clients.

After all these years, I'm still friends with him and occasionally call him up and ask him some things about sex or just discuss things I've discovered, or whatever. Like, I called him when my terror of sex changed into desire for sex, because I was pretty excited about that and knew he would celebrate with me. Since I've been married, I've asked him how it's possible for a woman to reach orgasm without manual (read: by hand, literally) stimulation of the clitoris. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Anyway, that's the story of Craig.


  1. I love your honesty and how you bare your soul. But, honey, you need to be Extremely careful about who you discuss your most personal life with. Even if your husband tells you its ok, its not ok to talk privately about seeking sexual intimacy one on one with a man who is 1) outside your faith 2)not your husband. Talking can lead to emotional entanglement... and much more, all in the sake of curiosity of making better love to your husband. Ask your bishop. I would bet a dollar he would tell you your behavior is out of bounds in that regard. Sex can be beautiful. I think you would benefit from counsel. God bless you. Good luck.

    1. I disagree. I think your husband should be a party to the conversation as well, but I don't think Craig should be excluded. That is like saying you should not see a counselor because you want to have a better marriage. It is naive to think a woman who cannot have an orgasm without hand stimulation of the clitoris does not need educating. I would go with the rule that the two of you should discuss these things either on the phone or with your husband in the room, so you are not alone together, as a precaution, though.

  2. I sort of agree with Paul, except to say that being as open with your husband as you are with Craig will result in better sex. Your husband should be the first (and most of the time, only) person you discuss matters exclusive to your relationship. Having said that, I do not believe discussing sex with a close friend outside of your faith is a bad thing. After all, by this blog, you are discussing it with everyone, regardless of our faiths. Just be careful to keep your husband your best and closest confidante.