Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Our first night

I thought I'd start you off with our first night. I could call it my first night, but that really doesn't make any sense, since sex involves two people - and it was his first night, too.

I'd read 2 1/2 books on the matter: Between Husband and Wife and The Act of Marriage cover to cover, and parts of And They Were Not Ashamed. I didn't finish that third one because it focused so much on good girl syndrome, or thinking that sex is wrong and being unable to let that idea go even after marriage. I didn't have that problem after reading the first two books. I was convinced God wanted me to have, and enjoy sex with my husband. And not just for procreation. The first two books gave scriptural references and quotes from latter-day prophets that proved that point. I was sold. I was even looking forward to it, immensely. I was a little nervous, though.

I was pretty sure it was going to hurt, and I was pretty sure I felt not good about that. I had seen a doctor two months before our marriage and requested dilators - little plastic graduated cylinders that you're supposed to insert (with lubricant!) about 3 times a day, starting with the smallest, and working your way up. There were 4 of them. About 10 days before our marriage, I could sometimes insert the largest one, but I would hurt for hours afterwards, and the pain was often so bad I would cry. And sometimes, I couldn't even insert it. I was starting to get scared. I found out I could have a procedure done, called a hymenectomy, that would essentially entail clipping my hymen so that it wouldn't hurt so bad, or maybe at all. I went back to the doctor to see if my hymen was even intact, because I'd heard that many girls break it inadvertently during childhood, especially if they're involved in horseback riding (I hadn't been) or gymnastics (I was a gymnast for six years). Ta-da! Totally intact, despite my frequent use of tampons. It was large enough for the tampons, but tampons are tiny compared to dilators. And penises. Yes, I said the word penis. I'm going to call everything by it's proper name, because I don't believe there's anything to be ashamed of with regards to names of the organs God created for us to use. Back to the story. I didn't have the hymenectomy, because I thought I might not heal by my wedding night, and that might be worse. I don't know how it would have been. If you're going to have a hymenectomy, though, do it at least 3 weeks before you get married.

So we got married in the morning in the temple, and on the drive back (we were alone in his car), explored touching each other over clothing. And we bought him boxer shorts, because I'd asked him to buy them weeks ago. I had been taught that you don't remove half of the garment (I don't know if I can call it by it's whole name here, but you know what it is if you've received your endowment in the temple) and leave the other half off. I wasn't sure I wanted all his clothes to come off at once, so I decided boxer shorts would be a good way to go. As for myself, I had about six outfits of lingerie to try throughout our honeymoon. So then, the wedding luncheon, and then over to the reception to make sure all was ready, and then the reception with all its magnificent food (seriously, it was great, I'd tasted it a month prior at a catering tasting). I was determined to eat that food because I'd heard of brides who never get to eat. Only I felt like I was going to throw up. I knew sex was coming, and probably pain, and I couldn't get a grip. So I ate a little watermelon, and then gave up, and danced the night away. Mostly without my husband, because he was eating. Darn him.

We drove an hour to our hotel. I did NOT have my wedding dress on for that drive. There was no way I was going to sit down in that dress for another hour and then need my husband's help to get it off before I changed into my lingerie. Besides, I wanted to take my hairdo out and I couldn't lift my arms above my head. I had a girl friend help me at the reception, in an empty room, and wore a regular dress that was easy for me to remove myself. On that car ride, we talked about sex some, and I reminded him that I thought it would be painful. We had talked about sex prior to marriage as well, and I'm glad we did. Anyway, we got to the hotel and they gave me a cookie. I could actually eat it. Hurray!

So we went into our beautiful honeymoon suite, and we prayed that the Spirit would be with us that night, and we went into separate rooms and changed into our respective outfits. I had made sure his boxers had a button closure (not just a slit) and it was rather good that I did, because their purpose would have been completely defeated if they didn't have that button. He was so excited that before he even saw me, he was erect and ready to go. I was nowhere near ready, but I wanted to try anyway.

The first things I did were to spread two towels on the bed, making a near complete covering for the bed, and to get our bottle of Astroglide lubricant (someone told me it was better than KY jelly, and I have to agree, having now tried both). Then we started kissing and touching and finally removing clothes, and touching more. And I showed him where my clitoris was (it's the little bump that's more to the front of your pelvis than the vagina, at the start (but inside) your outer set of lips, called the labia majora). I knew that was important because I had read that the most guaranteed way (although still not guaranteed) to achieve female orgasm was through the stimulation of the clitoris. And I didn't want to stimulate it. And I saw his penis for the first time. No, I saw a penis for the first time. I kind of wanted to scream. I was thinking, "oh my gosh, what is that? Why does it look like that? It's not the color of all his other skin! And it isn't straight, it's curved! And it looks like an arrowhead on top! And how the heck is that going to fit inside my tiny little vagina?" But I didn't say that. I might have said a few parts of that, but in much calmer language.

And then we laid on the bed, and we stimulated each other with our hands at first, and then we had sex. And it did hurt, and I bled on the towels, and I was really glad we had the towels because of the blood and the semen (which doesn't all stay inside of you, by the way, some leaks out usually). He was glad too, and hadn't known that we would need them. And he was really grossed out by the blood, which he apparently wasn't expecting. So I started crying. Because I was the one bleeding and in pain, and he was just like, yuck. And I was thinking, "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" and although certain aspects of sex had felt good, I mostly was hurting. I explained to him why I was crying, and remained pretty upset for a while. We washed off and tried again a little while later, and it still hurt and I still bled. But he at least pretended not to be grossed out the second time, and was a lot nicer. Then, since I was starving and it was four in the morning, we ate our cheesecake (compliments of the hotel) and went to bed.

There are a lot of things I learned about sex in the coming days and weeks, and by the way, it stops hurting after a while. For me, the pain lessened significantly after about four days, and was completely gone after about a month. I've heard that for some brides it's quicker than that. And of course, for some brides, it may not even hurt at all. But I'm just telling my experience, and now you know it.

Things we did right the first night:
-Going slow
-Communicating what felt good and what didn't
-Not giving up because it wasn't the best thing ever

Sorry this was such a long post, but it was a pretty complicated thing to explain!


  1. God, Mormons are fucking fruit cakes! LOL!

  2. I know the feeling. First she asks, " Do we have to have sex?" Then she comes to bed wearing several layers of clothing---her Mormon underwear, pajamas, night gown, bath robe. She is a wonderful woman, though. I love her so much.

  3. Please don't be put off by these insensitive comments. Your blog is very helpful, and I had a very similar experience, but had not been prepared for the pain, and thought I was doing something wrong.

  4. people on here are so rude! I'm sorry that you have ti deal with them, but thank you so much for this!

  5. people on here are so rude! I'm sorry that you have ti deal with them, but thank you so much for this!

  6. It kind of feels like maybe he needed to do some research before sex. Most guys don't know what feels good to girls. Girls usually take longer to get aroused but we can go longer guys tend to get aroused quickly and finish a lot faster.